i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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