Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
