Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
