I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
