If that was your dad, he is hot
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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