I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
