someone threw a dead crab at me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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