just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
