Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
