I hate your face
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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