I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
