Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
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You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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