Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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