I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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