Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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