doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
