it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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