i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
