The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you didnt know i had herpes?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
