i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
