There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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