Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
