She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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