Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
