I wish I could teleport
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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