i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
