I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
