He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
