i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drake has all the answers
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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