then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
