Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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