they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This baby is an asshole
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
