new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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