The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
