Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
