I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
