Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
