But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
