so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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