Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
