Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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