You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
