I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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