New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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