We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
