My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
