whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
