I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
