She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
