How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
