i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
