i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
