I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
