theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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