I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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