That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
