Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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